Aliens, please take me away

Looking out my window I saw these lights racing over the sky.

Everybody wants to be fashionable. Who defines what that is?
Maybe the press or the internet, most likely the TV and your peers.
Being fashionable may relate to the clothes you wear or the car you drive or what MP3-player you buy.
I myself am not fashionable and I try to avoid things most people try to get. But it doesn’t bother me if they do and I don’t. I have no Wii, I have no laptop, no apple computer, I even do not have an ordinary stove. My furniture is old or cheap and my clothes are too.
And I rarely watch TV and therefore view no commercials. On the rare occasion that I do watch TV and the show is interrupted by commercials, I change channels. Only three or four times a year I’m at the cinema and there I have to watch the commercials, I can’t quit. And they annoy me.

But what annoys me more is when people try to behave fashionable.
I think there’s a difference between consuming fashionable and changing your behavior. That starts with the way you speak. More important and easier to pin down is the way people treat their bodies: hairstyle, tanning, coloured and pierced lips, the expensive hip spectacles frame, tattoos and so on.

Lately another behavior pisses me off: women who carry plastic cups around. Contained in these is coffee, “iced latte” or some similar drink.
First of all I think it looks decadent. Second it produces big heaps of trash which will never decompose. A separate plastic cup – most often with cap – for just 0.2 or 0.3 litres of drink! And last but not least I just don’t understand it.
Ten years in the past everybody was happy without these drinks. And if you wanted coffee during work you got a mug and went to the coffee machine where a whole pot was waiting. Nowadays these machines produce only one cup. And people drink these cups on the street, in the bus and even in the car while driving! Is it a lack of time? Or has the human metabolism changed? No, no, I think it’s just fashion! Be cool with a cup!
Not to mention the money. If you go into McShithole or Starfuck (yes, I know, hilariously funny my word creations) the wallet is drained afterwards.
The phrase “Coffee-to-go” in itself is nonsensical. You can go with a cup of coffee in your hand, yes. But you can’t drink properly while walking. I’ve tried it with beer cans and I can assure you: it’s bound to make you drool over your shirt. Ok, these coffee cups have very small drinking holes like a feeding cup, that may work. But is this really cool? Sucking on a beak-shaped spout like a little kid or an old disabled person? Shit!

So please, women, don’t do that any more! It’s soft-headed and doesn’t look good.
Well, I know, I’m a bit misogynous here. Men who act the same are even worse. They wanna look important and rich to impress these women with their cups. Oh, boy, have a beer instead!
And if you don’t, I’ll raise my can to the aliens!

Man or mouse that is the question

Last year - just after the rainstorm

Yess! It’s getting warmer, time for a good music-festival!

But I’m not visiting any open air festival this weekend and so instead I caught myself thinking about profound questions: How old do I have to get to be recognized as a man?

Easy question you say?
Well, arithmetically speaking I’m an adult since I had my 18th birthday.
But it’s not the same thing as being a grown-up man. And by using the expression “man” I’m  not referring to the fact that some people think you’re a man if you’re a macho ape. And I even do not allude to the fact that there are sexual characteristics of men.
No, I just think of how people approach me.

When I was seven I took my courage in both hands and went to the little corner shop all on my own and bought some sweets. There the woman behind the counter welcomed me with the words “How you doin’ young man?”

Five years later I wanted to buy my first seven inch single and the saleswoman said “Okay young man, this is yours now!”

So far, nothing wrong.

But they didn’t stop. No, I’m still a “young man” or “adolescent” when people in shops greet me. And I’m really looking like over 30 now, no escape!

Especially older people, in their 60s, 70s or like that, deal with me like I’m some kind of teenager.

That’s annoying and sometimes even embarrassing but in addition women seem to think of me as a not yet grown up boy.

I remember when I was 23 that a girlfriend of some guy said to the assembled group of guys: “Hey, sorry if I call you ‘boys’, but really, you are big boys. To be ‘men’ you have to be a lot older!”
Alright, but now I AM a lot older and still being treated like a boy with some years extra.

The unexpected conclusion to all this:
I get the feeling that I do not really grow up. I still laugh at the same things as I did when I was 18 (ok, I’m a bit hardened and do not get the giggles only because someone says the word ‘tits’ or something like that) and I’m still silly like I was back then. Even more important I don’t have the feeling of being an “adult”, of being more “mature” than anybody.
Yes, I have changed since then and I don’t think of myself as belonging to  today’s 20year-olds. But nevertheless, the feeling just for myself is of being that freaky young bloke with a head full of adolescent shit.

Ok, and by the way:  self-confidence and social graces have only slightly improved since 1990.

These boots are made for walking

Guess what this pic shows: a) Backstage view of a concert by Fields Of The Nephilim b) From the set of "The fog part 2" c) Just a few meters to escape prison d) Hallucinations induced by LSD

The other day my house slippers fell apart. I really walked them flat. The sole was no more.
Well, I saw that coming and some weeks before I went into a shoe shop where they sell this sort of slippers. I saw them immediately in a big basket and rummaged through it, but the biggest size was 42. Uh, there must be some mistake, I thought and asked the sales woman about size 46. She said: “No, sorry, we only have these in our other shop in the city.” Just 8 km’s away.
Okay. Some days later the same thing recurred at some other shop. There the basket with slippers had a big sign which read “Men”. But the largest size was 44. My god, I must be a giant!! And never noticed it before.

Now that my house shoes had crumbled to dust I tried once more to get a new pair. This time I even found size 45 and although this is one number to small, I took it. Too annoying to look for weeks. These shoes only cost 15 Euros.

I thought it all over. It seems the shoe industry is 20 years in the back. They have not yet realised that the feet of modern men are bigger than in the old century. Quite extraordinaire, as these people earn their money with making shoes!
And I know guys with size 48. Don’t know how they ever find something to get their feet in.

Next thing I was looking for new shirts. The ones I wear daily only make it for one or two years. After that they’re stained or shrunk or both.
To my surprise all the shirts were too big! Yes, really, they only had sizes XXL, 3XL, 4XL and 5XL. I did not even know these sizes existed!

Ok, let’s have a look at men through the eyes of the clothing industry… uih, help! I see a whole country filled with extremely short, fat guys!! Giant bowls with tiny feet attached.

But this time it was easier getting the correct size. The next shop had everything, even S!!
I took a bunch of L and XL shirts. Normally I wear XL because I like it sloppy, but for work sloppy is often a bit too sloppy.
What did I expect? Hey! In this case L only just fitted. XL was comfortable but astonishingly short. I could barely push the shirt into my trousers. Nothing with sloppy.
Remembering that “L” means “large” and “XL” “extra large” I once more consulted the laundry symbol and it said “XL” and “pre-shrunk”. Ha, ha, that’s right!!

So once again we’re faced with an army of fat dwarves. And possibly fat dwarves with their bellies peeping out of their tight shirts.

And now imagine myself as the exact opposite. I’m the guy with these enormous feet and a slender but very tall body. Could be a basket ball player.
Shit on it! I’m a freak!

Enough of that.
Regarding the price question above I must admit that neither of the four answers is correct. No fog at all!
I took the photo from inside my car. My car was parked on some grasslands and before my car was that fence. Nearly a mile away a big headlight illuminated the night. There was no fog in front of my car and no fog over there at the headlight.
Just the night.
I, alone in the car.
Darkness nearby. No noises.
Probably one dozen shapes to the left, slowly coming nearer.
The gun in my hand. Loaded with silver bullets.
The shapes staggering in my direction, eerie silence all around.
My heartbeat pounding like bell punches.

But no fog.

 

Please tell me how to live

Some people are longing to be young again or even to live through their adolescence a second time. From time to time I myself think in that direction but I always have to remind myself: life is no fairy-tale! I know, because otherwise I wouldn’t have thought about reliving my youth in the first place. And if you try to remember puberty, well, at least for me it was an extremely straining and embarrassing time. Maybe you could label it as the contrast to being “one with the universe”.
And that feeling I really do not want to relive.
But it would be a deal if I could be 15 again with all my present experience. Whow, I could be the coolest kid around!
But would you want to live in a world of 15-year-olds with 20 years excess of life-experience and a matured mind? Not quite.

 

Coming up on this channel: a rainstorm!

 

Just a few days ago I was doing the groceries at the local supermarket. And as I stood in line at the checkout, an elderly couple next to me in the other line addressed me: “Hey, your line is faster!” the woman over 6o said and added “maybe you could take our trolley, too”.
“Uh, ha, ha”, I answered, “bad deal, because I would have to pay for it all!”
Their trolley was filled to the brim.
So far, so good.
After that short communication we did not talk to each other anymore. They stood in their line and I in mine.
But the elderly woman was looking at my shoppings.
A few minutes later she said to her husband in a loud voice which I could not miss hearing: “Eh, he’s a bachelor! You can see it by his groceries! He’s got all this organic food!”
The husband agreed: “Yes, he has.”
Woman continued: “Yes, yes, has to be a bachelor! Definitely. It’s clear.”

All the while I was standing in my line, hearing them talking about me and thinking about the other customers nearby who also could hear their conversation.
Well, I acted as if I did not hear them. And I was a bit ashamed – for them. Not for myself, really.

What a shitty situation!
What would you have done?

The topic wasn’t even the thing. I was (and am) a bachelor but it’s no reason for me to feel bad. But being talked about in public – whichever topic it may be – it’s like you were standing naked on the market place, knowing that it’s not quite right.

But I’m used to humiliation. It doesn’t really bother me. (How persuasive! That’s the reason I’m writing it down in lots of sentences: because it doesn’t bother me at all! :-))
Humans are assholes.
If you wanted to screw up my life, you should’ve started earlier! I despise you, disrespectful people! Getting high on other people’s misery’s is the lowest of fun! The ground should open up and swallow you sad creatures!

Huh, now I really shellacked them! Frightened they are and will always bow in front of me! Yeah!

Customer is king

In december I received I letter from my phone company saying they would shut down the sort of connection I’ve got by the beginning of march this year and I should swap to some of their other proposals.

 

I love books and papers, but... eh... I'm kinda messy.

 

As I said, it was december and there were quite a few months before the termination would take place.
I just ignored it.
My phone company tried to phone me approximately 25 times (I think to con me into some other contract) but I didn’t answer it.

Then in mid-february my telephone didn’t work anymore.
I thought: a shit, I did not remember the shut-down-date!! And immediately I tried to contact another phone company.
Because I liked my internet provider (gmx) I wanted to switch my internet contract to a double internet and phone contract. I first tried the phone number on the internet site but they said it was only for new customers, I should try another one. There they said it was not right, I should try another one. There they said they’re not responsible anymore, I should try another number. This number was a computer voice only and the possible choices were all not appropriate for my matter. I tried the first number again and got another number which was constantly occupied. I tried the second number again and there they said I should use they fourth number. I tried that one again and they sent me back to one of the other ones.

All in all I phoned eleven numbers without the slightest progression regarding my wish to expand my internet contract into an internet and phone contract. I gave up and signed with a local company which was easy to get a hold on and said they would handle it all. Can’t say if the new connection will work but the start was much better than the end of the previous one.

After that I realised that the day without phone and internet was just a breakdown and the real shutdown was still three weeks in the future…

A few days ago I got an invoice from my old phone company (not the internet provider I was talking about above but Telekom or T-Com) telling me to pay for the whole month of march even though they terminated my contract and would shut it down by the end of the first week of march. I phoned the service and there they said it was alright. “As with any rented apartment the bill has to be paid before the service.” I did complain about that, because it was known since december that I would only use one week of march with the old contract. But the friendly employee told me that accounting works that way and there was no option to change anything about it! I just asked if it was really right that I should pay four times the correct amount and wait two to three weeks to get my money back and he said: yes: that’s the way it is!
By the way: he treated my like an imbecile! And in reality – so I think – I saw through all, their awkward efforts to drain me of my money without service.

Well, if I hadn’t already made up my mind to change my phone company, this would have been it.
After all I think I will not give them the whole amount of money. I will only transfer a fourth of the bill. That is the right amount for the few days I use their fuckin services.

But these experiences – internet company and phone company – are  good examples of how people are cleaned out and treated as idiots not worthy of decent guidance and treatment.

Burn them down, beat the bastards to the ground!
(Just a song-lyric.)

See ya next week.